Friends, Friends and Friends....

One of the hardest things ever is to make new friends, especially after losing friendships to betrayals of some kind.

I am introverted which unfortunately means I cannot make friends easily;
and not for want of trying :/

There is this girl I know, in my mind we're friends and she speaks to me nicely so I believe she thinks the same way but when it comes to me trying to act on the friendship- I fail.

Sigh

I suffer from random bouts of intense introversion that leave me socially paralyzed when in the presence of persons whom I hold in high esteem; sucks right?

Oh, to send a text is a long back and forth mentally of approximating and estimating their response to my message, even when it's just a 'hey, what's up' :/

Talk about over-analysis, smh

I do wish I could get over the fear of her saying 'you're a complete nutcase' and talk with her more, but I also feel like there is hardly anything I can say that she won't think I'm a complete dolt or crack whore :/

Do you ever feel unsure of your social interactive capabilities?

I know for me it's an internal malfunction of mine but gosh, do I wish I could fix it!
I miss out on so many things by not being able to say hello to someone new or to properly interact with someone I've known for a while...

I wish there was an easy fix to social awkwardness syndrome...

Dreams vs Reality: Dream Jobs vs To Live Jobs..

Everyone has a dream job, whether it's to be a vet, doctor, lawyer, officer of some type, fisherman, trainer of animals or humans, animator, illustrator, pie seller...

Whatever it is, everyone has one...mine, well..

It took me a few years to figure out what I'm good at and now that the glaringly obvious is...finally apparent to me, I'm sticking to it like pone on plastic wrap (I hate pone btw)

My dream job is to become a phlebotomist.

*chuckles* alright so I heard that last night on the voice (I don't particularly like that show, but those judges were funny fighting over people lol)

Seriously though, I would like to be a *insert drumroll here*

Writer.

Yeah, really exciting I know...

But what's actually exciting is not getting any jobs in that area :/

Nada, zip, zilch, zero...minus nothing.

I do see positions, but like everything else, they want 50 years experience (how can I get experience if YOU DON'T HIRE ME, smh) so it's a big flop every time and I am stubborn.

I don't want to do something else to make money to do what I want to do, I want to do what I LOVE doing!

Why should I go and spend years (already wasted about four doing this, uh, steups) doing courses in things I only like to get a job that will only pay me two cents more than what's enough for a roti and a red solo five days a week???

I don't want to do that anymore, so I stopped and started studying something that will and has improved my writing (about now ya'll are like 'huh?' lol I'm referring to short stories and things like that :P) and I am enjoying my studying (don't ever try to quote me on that, I WILL deny it)

It's too bad though, that even though I'll have a certificate that says I can, I still won't be able to :/

I've heard of starving artists, writers outside of writerdom starve too..

What are your dream jobs? Anything out of the ordinary, like a large mammal vet? Or an astronaut? What dreams have you given up in the name of money and acceptance?

Unrelated Post #2- Some of my 'artwork...

These are some of the drawings I've done over the years; the older ones:

 

And a few more recent ones:

I don't draw often, but when I do, it's mostly red clothing (the Autobot drawing is Optimus Prime inspired because I love him to pieces lol) and the hands are weird lol etc etc

(all images are my own, done by me and may not be used without my express permission)

(yes I know they aren't perfect, but they're mine :P)

Always room for improvement and I know I need at least a couple of fields length of fixing and bettering and all that on them and for future work; I have come a long way with some things but not enough with others and I intend to improve them as best I can.

Perfection isn't may aim anymore, I just want to do the best I can..

Trapped Within Yourself..

Have you ever been among people but felt alone?

Isolated?

Afraid, not of any harm, but of interaction?

It is distressing...it feels like you are trapped in quicksand:
sinking slowly to the bottom of your conscious or subconscious mind...

How do you get past the fear?
How do you find the courage to face...yourself?
To speak and be heard?

How do you be someone to others?

How do you be you?

It may seem like a simple thing, but the answer? The answer is a complex web of self consciousness, self esteem and depression, improper fundamental socialization and purported introversion...

Can you step outside yourself?


I wish I could...it gets better sometimes, but other times...

Like now...

...it is really hard...and very frightening...

In the field of art, you are either a villain or a messiah: The Villian's Voice...

Art has always been an interest of mine and some would say that I am 'good' at it; I would say I am marginally better than an eight year old high on cold medication...

My enthusiasm, though battered by my secondary school teacher (who only appreciated PERFECT FORM and any funny shaped fruit were scandalized) I continued to pursue art studies, moving over to graphic arts at YTEPP and courses at SAMS, a semester at my current mental institution COSTAATT and lastly at the bane of my academic existence to date UTT (in the form of animation).

The switch to animation was ultimately my undoing in art as those 'lecturers' were so adverse to individuality that wasn't bathed in perfection that I felt like if I so much as WATCHED an animated program, I would suffer spontaneous combustion. So, like the billow of smoke from my imagined head explosion, up went my dreams for art and animation in conceited laced smoke...

Now, don't get me wrong...I did try within all my attempts of art to do things right and perfect but I just can't...it seems to be a head to hand impossibility that I cannot escape *shrug* but what do I know? I'm not an illustrious illustrator nor artist, so I can't even speak on my own work -_- 

I do remain with the love of art and creating art, even though by all standards I am little better than a horse using a paintbrush with its hooves; I try my best and I like what I do (though I don't do it often because it takes me HOURS to do a crude drawing and even MORE to colour it- SIGH) and I will keep doing my scratchy doodles and 'drawings' in my weird style: 

Pish! 

For those of you who are artist, I loves you all and your works and I enjoy seeing the new things that you do, villainising the ones that really grab me and adding elements to my own crapresentations of things...

It is one thing to say I've done something wrong technically and show or encourage me to improve; it is quite another to bash my work, and manipulate to have me fail because I don't portray the aesthetic YOU want or like...

Everyone isn't a Walt Disney, and not everything needs to look like it's on LSD or an acid trip; sometimes...sometimes art is natural and it takes shape and form in a way that only some people can relate, understand and appreciate...

Perfection, in all things, is highly overrated...

Art is art...everyone is an artist of some sort, even drugged out primary schoolers like me.

Impolite Interactions..

Today I had a person stare at me...
Nothing new right?

Right...

This guy (an older man) looked at me for the entire taxi ride, periodically glancing at my profile and staring...

Now, I tried my best but it was extremely aggravating to be stared at so intensely (we were in a taxi, luckily he was stopping before me)
We met up with some traffic (because of T&TEC works) and he started speaking to the driver but glancing at me...the chat somehow became religious and the glances came after every mention of whatever Godly thing he began preaching...

I have had this before; the side of my face that the man was staring at is the one with my industrial and conch piercings and panda bear tattoo...so of course me having these things means I either don't believe in God or worship the Devil...or both or I'm a heathen or whatever wonderful thing..

I don't like to speak about religion (nor politics) so I won't give my views on it (because people always get weird)

but

I will say that it isn't fair to judge someone's spirituality based on their appearance; there are too many things happening in the world today that are more important than a person's religious practices...

Have you ever been subject to something similar? Like maybe have someone push their religious view on you for your conversion to their 'better' religion?

The things that occur on the regular to the irregular, uh, smh...

Tell me about yourself...

It's something that mostly happens in a classroom; the lecturer says it to you and you mumble a few words, mostly expressing the desire to gain an A in the course.
If you're interacting with a 'love interest' then you may do it a second or third...or fifteenth time..

But does anyone really care to know you?

Do they remember the things that make you, you?

If you can share your time with someone, your space, your energy

why not get to know them too?
...to really know them?

Try this:

think about the people in your life, the ones you say are close to you, that you love whatever the expression/feeling is...
think about the things you know or think you know and inquire whether they are still the same or have changed..

Does your neighbour still like lemon flavoured cake with banana frosting? (:/)

Does your best friend still collect buttons?

Does your bf/gf still like butter in their coffee? (some people out there actually do, I am not one of those people :/)

Now, if you know these or other things by heart and they're correct: great.

It's always easy to know about another person, you ask and they will tell...


But can you answer questions honestly about yourself?


That is a much more difficult thing to do; we lie to ourselves inherently (if you're saying no right now, you're lying to yourself, uh)

What about you has changed in the last few years?
Are you still the same person?
Have you learned anything?
Lost anyone?
Missed opportunities?

Or has all the bad been the fault of someone else and you are forever in a state of constant spite from the powers that be? (yep, people blame people for their problems all the time...but not all the time the problem originates on the outside...)


Think about it...


Tell me about yourself....tell you about yourself...

Yes, but can your skin colour/ink/hair do it??

Sometimes the most nerve wracking part of going on an interview isn't the interview itself, it's worrying that you're going to be judged incompetent because of your physical appearance.

The last 'interview' I went on wasn't at a place of reputable patronage so I did not expect to be scrutinized more than usual; upon arriving, the first lady took a few quick looks at my turtle neck sweater and I could see some gears grinding in that head of hers, smh..

The only problem (as it were) was the hours I'd have had to work but even though, again, I suspected the environment to be...one I had to try to acclimatize to, the environment itself was weary of me.

I've seen persons in work suits with eyebrow piercings (okay one woman, years ago) but I would have to imagine that she worked with/for family because I know that as 'open minded' and 'well learned' as people claim to be, if you have anything out of the ordinary about you whether it's a piercing, a tattoo somewhere, your hair goes at acute, obtuse and other angles or you're just too tanned you automatically become 'unfit' to do whatever the thing your degree/certificates say you can...

But why is that?

I wish I could find out what kind of thoughts go through a person's mind in that instance...
Have you ever had such an experience?

Do YOU look at a person and think they can't work with you because of some 'oddity' they may possess?

I admit, if a person is a raging idiot, I tend to think that I can't work with them (here I like to use the phrase: "I am not a medical doctor, I have no patients")

I think this goes for everything I will cover in the next few posts, from weight right on up (or down depending) so I would like to know what you all think, have seen/heard and experienced..

Your Morality Is Compromised- Introduction

The topics I've chosen are all taboo to the closed minded, society brown-nosers and as the titled suggests, persons who are a part of it, whether just an aficionado or a connoisseur or just mildly interested...whatever part anyone may take in it, they are labelled, unfairly, as being immoral.

I'll save my opinions for the end of the relative posts; the topics will be as follows (in any order):

~LGBT
~Tattoos
~Piercings
~Goth, Punk, Metalheads

What I would like is for you all to share your experiences with me, whether good bad or indifferent; you can message me on my FB page (link on the side there) post on the wall or comment below and I will compile the stories into a post later on..

It is not easy for someone to face a crowd of persons (whether at school, work or just traversing the country) who dislike them simply because they have Tattoos/Piercings, are a man with a boyfriend, a woman with a girlfriend or either with both, be trangendered, wear heavy goth makeup and spiked collars or listen to only heavy/death metal, progressive etc

....More on these stories later..

Unrelated Post #1: The Plus Size Rant- Part One

I have always been 'ah lil heavy'...
Those of you who know me from school will disagree, mainly because you saw me in skirts all the time and didn't realize the tree trunk thighs I inherited.

Now, years and Chinese food past, I am more on the heavy side; I look like Mrs. Pillsbury to most.

(Yes I am harsh on myself, but doh lie, allyuh thinkin the same tings)

I find it extremely aggravating when people who haven't seen me in a while or years walk up to me and say:

"Hmmm! Yuh put on plenty weight!"
or
"Yuh ain't loose the weight yet?" (as though it's chasing me down Charlotte street, smh)
and my favourite
"You was so small in school! Look how you blow up!" (seriously, am I a foxing beach ball?? I certainly feel like a bomb about to explode on your stupid arse...)

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, or the sewage companies would make no money;
just don't expect me to greet you kindly when you approach me with that ish, mkay?

• Yes, I put on weight...it cannot be hid nor would I try to do so to appease anybody.
• No, I am not now "twice the size I was"; but my hands were always big and willing to slap the black out of people...
• Yes, I am working on loosing some of the Chinese food that's been keeping to me over the years
• No, I am not doing it because 'society' likes skinny; I was never skinny nor do I wish to be.

My goal for body image is, well, mine (I'm happy to share it in a future post, this one is for cussing and carrying on) so don't ask me what I do at the gym, my eating habits nor anything else.

You (all of you self proclaimed fitness experts and ax holes alike) can HY(I will not finish this abbreviation because I don't want to get into too much trouble) and leave my FAT self the hell alone...

Don't try to help, guide or encourage me, it ain't welcomed, especially since I know you foxers are having a ball amongst yourselves talking about everyone: and who gained weight, and who had a child out of marriage, everyone who 'I thought she/he would have been different' and all that conceited BS...

LEAVE ME OUT OF IT

My patience has always been limited and has only grown shorter..

Okay? Right...ah done for now....ax holes...

Without an utterance...

Do you ever walk into a room and feel like you just walked on stage?
A hush descends and all heads turn to look at you?
Yeah, I don't have that problem..not in a good way at least.

When I go anywhere, all people seem to see are my tattoos and piercings, alternated only by my chocolate complexion; and when they've seen, their minds explode into a cacophony of postulations about me that become solidified as truth when I take my seat and ignore everyone...

BIG SIGH

Let me digress a bit: has anyone ever said, "smile nah" when you're walking in the street? Or ask why you don't smile more or as the Joker would say, "Why so serious?" ??

Well, I don't know about you, but to me, the only people who smile all the time or more specifically, while walking the streets, are mentally unstable and as crazy as I am, I don't have a bed at St. Ann's...not yet, anyway.

I think it is weird expecting me to have a smile on my face all the time and if it's an attempt at conversation, better you ask me how I'm doing than tell me smile- I will certainly scowl deeper, watch you cut eye, steups and/or curse under my breath...

Back to the topic at hand:

Some lovely people seem to think that people with tattoos or piercings or BOTH, God help us, are either evil, demented, evil, or ghetto( now you're wondering how, yeah? Well, a lot of boisterous, cantankerous and bacchanalians, have tattoos and piercings, undeniably so- you see it everyday and everywhere in Trinidad and perhaps Tobago (I need to reference that one, I'll do a another post) (EDIT: Definitely in Tobago, smh)

Now

What defines one as being ghetto? Most easily (for those who lack the melanin and the brain cells) by having an extremely visible tan aka dark skin; dark as in burnt caramel right on to those who you can't even see what the tattoo is but you know it's there because...well, you hope it isn't a new skin disease...I digress

So me being of chocolate complexion, further aggravated by the sun, and having tattoos and piercings...well, you can imaging the sight I make! Not to mention, my weird assortment of jewelry (I've been told it's a contradiction to wear an ankh with those Jesus bands, by a man with a ras wearing soft clothes...but I'm the contradiction, yeah?)

Anywhoo, all these things give people the impression that I'm a ghetto princess out hunting for the next splitting competition but not before I pass een KFC to get dinner for my child fadder who passin een after he checks on his other child by his child mother (yes, I am overdoing it, but you know people think the weirdest things)

And then when I open my mouth and understandable English comes out, it becomes:

"Oh, I didn't know you were like that!"

How could you know anything about me, jackass?? SMH

Now this is one thing, I will have to deal with for a long time to come because everywhere there is someone who thinks like this or worse (the severe 'racists' and those who believe themselves bourgeoisie (and deluded enough to think them directly descended from nobility and royalty) will see me and have a field day based on my appearance, without knowing who I am..

Judging a book by its cover leaves for a lot of interesting pages to be left unread, but luckily there are those few who dare to turn the pages yet...

Hi, my name is...

Welcome to my blog, ('Gitana Negra'-Black Gypsy: someone who does not truly exist, yeah?)

These postings will be to highlight and to share, to inspire and to further...to insight and to illuminate.

I am but one person, filled with the memories, likes, wants and identities of so many differing ethnicities, time periods, social strata, and educational capability that everything becomes a trial to express.

Here I endeavour to share the interactions, implications and interpretations of myself and a few of the people I know that go through life as outcasts, and misfits and who individualize themselves through their eccentricities, likes and differing ways of life...

I will explore the deeper meanings of my life, the lives of the people I know (and their people) and the way that society still suffers from stickuptheassitis but prefers to ignore the symptoms..

I am an enigma, social outcast, morally corrupt (to some hypocrites) downtrodden, aghast with strife and incomprehensible despair (low self esteem nah) and every other text book analogy offered; at least, so I am told.

I'd like to think of myself as a plain ole 'human being' but meh...we'll go with the masses, yeah?

Nah..

This enigma chooses to make some waves...and hopefully a tsunami will ensue and the masses will drown in their ridicule, judgement, hypocrisy and hate...