Sell Out; The Dilemma With Work...

I feel like a sell out.

Just thinking about future actions is settling heavily on my soul;

What am I selling out for?

Money;
Possible popularity;
Probable sustainable income.

How?

By writing what I consider to be rubbish
And by cutting books short to stretch the sales

*cough*fiftyshadesofgrey*cough*

Sigh..

Being able to do something good enough and profiting from that talent isn't as easy as it should be; not when you consider yourself as simply a conveyor of the stories of whatever character pops into your mind, bringing their lives into a vivid movie reel of continuous information :/

BIG SIGH

I hate to sell out...but do I have a choice?

Of course I do...

Of course I have a choice, that's why I haven't done it yet (that and crippling self doubt, but more on that story later)

I don't want to, but I just may have to do it.

Have you ever been in such a place, with a job or situation?

Rant #2- Unappreciative People: Bosses, Lecturers, Friends and Strangers...

These are things that really grind my gears >:<

I hate rude people.

Stronger sentiment: I FUCKING HATE rude people.

Sigh, that's better :)

Now, I know everyone has bad days and everyone has problems that make Atlas look like a jellyfish

But

Don't take that shit out on me...don't.

If I had to use you like a punching bag for my problems (and certain people have accused me of this) your ass would be beaten down worse than those characters caught in King's holds (Tekken fans??)

Yes, when things are shit and you are prodding me in the correct way I respond scathingly: yes, it happens but not only and because it's you. 

It isn't specific to anyone person, it's like I ate bad doubles: any toilet singing to me will get a response.

I do not appreciate having to deal with, or rather, not be dealt with because of your assumptions of me

If you yourself weren't a jackass most of the time then I wouldn't respond to you like the anti-jackass whisperer; I always give back what I get (even what I think I get I give back lol smh)

SIGH

Can you imagine, the audacity of a vagrant...you already beg and got me to buy you the item, do you need to further ask what kind of item I got you?

Why are you slapping the gift horse in the mouth?
(if you think I'm splitting hairs here, you've clearly never had a vagrant make demands on you)

I'm going to not rant on lecturers right now, I don't want to curse any further >:<

Bosses!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, hmm...I don't even think I will get into that because then this post will be going on forever, haha (the chuckling is like Hannibal laughing uh)

Let me just put it all in one group as Aggravating Humans and leave it at that:

You ALL need to calm TF down. Seriously, take a sip of some herbal tea...

I don't know what kind of as...people you all deal with on the daily, but I am curious to know whether or not you experience 'people poking the bear for fun' (you being the bear) 

Or

Do YOU poke the bear?

I admit, I do poke the bear sometimes...in the eye...with a heated ice pick...
*shrug* mainly because the bear loves to bite into my ass on the regular...but I digress..

I really don't know why it's so hard for people to accept that I'm not their puppet (more on that story later) but then

People hardly ever accept or understand my particular brand...of madness.

LGBT, Labels And Other Thoughts...

You must be thinking: what does she know about this?

Well, what I'm going to talk about isn't breaking down the letters and explaining them, it's the social aspects and interactions of people, LGBT, in between, outside, inside and over yonder...

I don't know anything really, I believe that people should embrace and engage in everything that makes them happy; now, don't get me wrong: if you are mentally ill and enjoy harming people or animals, I'm not supporting that no way, no how.

I am referring to 'well balanced', run of the mill, everyday people (is that a song title/lyric??)

I am referring to anyone who is or is not, and not to anyone specifically...

You maybe a little confused: you may have thought I was going on to heavily promote or campaign for LGBT or against it..but I'm not going to.

For me, to label someone as LGBT is just that, labeling them; it's another form of stereotyping: another way to point/make someone stand out

To take them away from 'the group'.

And that isn't what I want, need or feel like doing.

I think that, or like to think really, that it would be easier (on everyone) if we all just saw each other as human and stop right there.

Pause**

What do I mean??

Well, why do we need to label someone as LGBT then become activist for their rights and all of that? 

Why do we need to label black people as minority and then they have to fight to be taken seriously?

Why label someone as disabled (I love that it is now differently abled btw) then treat them like they'll break if they sneeze?

And for every other supposedly non regular human, why the separation then pseudo reintegration into 'society' or whatever?

If we could all just stay human we wouldn't need all this hullabaloo, now would we?

Humans are always looking for ways to ostracize others for some kind of selfish, stupid purpose (like fame, money, recognition and ass...and silly things like that) 

And really, what is so different between an LGBT teacher and a 'straight' one, or a differently abeld one??

Will you not be able to learn from them because you aren't exactly like them in every possible way?

And, before you start quoting scripture, I dare say that the scripture says 'in His own likeness' so everyone on this planet...

Should be seen as one.

Think about it; have a drink of water, stretch your neck, go for a drive, whatever.

The world will keep moving and changing and maybe..maybe people can just be people sans(without) all the labels..

Let's go naked..

"I like to walk naked, naked I like to walk" (this old Ataklan song came to mind)

Socially Unacceptable And Giving In...

It gets tiring.

The always trying to remember what's current;
The always trying to appear smart and funny with a hint of wildness;
The always being anxious;
The dealing with people that you don't really like;
The doing things just to fit in;

To be normal;

To be accepted.

Why the hell should I keep doing that?

Sigh

I'm getting older (surprising, I know)

And more tired and fed up with situations and persons and life...

It's the same old hum-drum and why should it be?

If everyone does and likes and says and wears and looks the same, thinks the same..

Where is the individuality?
The Uniqueness?

I'm tired of being what you want me to be;
I want to just be:

ME

For better (or worse, it feels) I was meant to be who I am,
Like my likes,
Dislike my dislikes,
And be the obnoxious, overbearing, disgusting, selfish, wild, uncaring, eccentric, high strung, dark skinned, nappy haired, over weight, tattooed, pierced (and whatever else) weirdo

That I am.

I am me:
Socially unacceptable, awkward and struggling.

And I'm going to be me until I'm nothing but dust in the wind.

It's easier to be you, than to remember to be the you everyone wants you to be...

My take on the ever popular topic of Religion...

I originally had a disclaimer here but I decided to just go forth unto the breech...

So, let's dig in.

I started out my life in my mother's religion: Anglican (English Catholic/Protestant) for many Sundays, I would be got up and carted off to church to hear Father Brown talk about (it seemed to me) the same things over and over again :/

Later, when it became Father West, my joy in going became his singing of a particular hymn, mainly because he can't sing too well *chuckle*

I stopped going regularly to church sometime around maybe form 1 or so, I don't remember, but I would maybe go a Christmas or New Years mass once in a while; religion lost it's appeal.

Going into secondary school, I became acquainted with persons of varying religious beliefs (previously unnoticed because my primary school was Roman Catholic) and further still when I attended a Hindu school to study A levels later on.

I learned a lot more about Hinduism at that school and also, because I was studying Martial Arts at that time, I learned about Buddhism.

Something my past principal said, a Pundit, was that it is one God in different forms and that Hindus referred to him as Shiva

I was astonished that someone else thought similarly to me and I didn't feel as weird about being interested in other religions, so I embraced as many as I could and learned as much as I could remember.

(side note: one of my hobbies is exploring different cultures)

In recent years, I've acquired some tattoos that literally make people balk if they see them: I have some Arabic on my ankle, an Ohm on a lotus by my clavicle, I have a regular cross on my wrist and I plan on doing some Kanji of some Buddhist teachings at some point.

(not a religion but I have the Chinese astrology symbol for rabbit also :D)

My beliefs as they were are universal: I believe that there is one God who appeared differently to different people so as not to frighten them; people are scared of what they don't know and they get angry fairly quickly afterwards so why not appear as someone who they could relate to physically?

I know, I know blasphemous...

But am I really? Is anyone who thinks like that a heathen?

It would be great, I think, if people stopped putting words into God's mouth and simply observed his actions; then maybe life would be a little smoother, for everyone...

A final peek inside: The M...in BDSM and closing arguments...

The end is nigh....well, it's M actually

M in BDSM, relates to the lovely S and refers to Masochism as in sadomasochism.

Masochism is the need or want to receive pain/humiliation for sexual gratification, pleasure etc; a masochist willingly receives and responds to the pain a sadist needs/wants to give.

Pretty heavy stuff, yeah?

Think about it in a visceral way, using something you like to do or have done; there really isn't much difference in the end result: happiness, pleasure, fulfillment.

BDSM is a really dense topic and I only barely scratched the surface of it, wanting merely to introduce the topic to the less inclined and encourage a more open thinking of this Taboo topic.

Personally, when I first heard about it I though that everyone who did it wore leather all the time, then when I started wearing spiked collars and people asked me and whatever friend I was with (female friend mind you) if we shared the 'lix' (spankings) I thought that plus leather; only in recent times I understood (somewhat) what it really entails and is mainly about: 

I think the term I hear is 'alternative lifestyle' ? Mmmmm, I'd say a different way of doing normal.

You don't have to lead a strictly Vanilla (a term used to mean plain in BDSM) life; varying studies alone can add flavours to your mind otherwise missed.

Take a small scoop of pistachio for a change and it may lead you to discovering what the world has to offer... 

A tiny peek inside: The S...in BDSM

Alright so the S, we're making progress on these tidbits :)

In BDSM, S has two meanings (like the D):

Submission when relating to the D that is Domination and
Sadism when relating to the M (sadomasochism)

Submission is another sore point for some, as people think it means some seriously demeaning behaviour on both partner's account; actually (I use that word loosely as I cannot speak for anyone who practices BDSM) it shows a great deal of trust for someone to willingly allow another person to practically decide when and if they can have an orgasm, what they wear and how they address and are addressed.

The Submissive has all the power- keep that in mind.

Sadism usually refers to the act of inflicting pain or humiliation to achieve pleasure- a sadist is someone who enjoys giving pain.
In BDSM the term pain is relative as, everything is consensual and thoroughly discussed, with parameters set before anything happens; with sadomasochism, the giving and receiving of pain for sexual gratification is often not specific to either party as both usually see themselves as

SWITCH i.e. willing to take on either role in the relationship (a common idea among many BDSM enthusiasts, it seems).

Now I can more than guess that this and the following short post on M really gets some peoples' knickers in a pirouette, along with the entire concept of BDSM...

But I will save my final thoughts for later; for now, do share yours on these so far...? 

A tiny peek inside: The D...in BDSM

Everyone is interested in The D (inferences subject to individual preference :D)

This D has two meanings in BDSM:

-Discipline 
-Dominance

The Discipline is related to the B i.e. Bondage while the Dominance relates to the S- Submission...though I'm sure they can all be imaginatively incorporated.

Discipline is self explanatory: the bound individual is disciplined for some infraction (punishment) or for doing something well (pleasure)..

As someone mentioned the accursed 'Fifty Shades of Grey' I will paraphrase from there:

"The is a very fine line between pleasure and pain that can be easily traversed..."

Yeah? Alright...

Dominance is where people start feeling a bit iffy; it is also self explanatory: one partner is in charge of the relationship, making all the decisions and meting out all the...discipline to the submissive partner.
Some may think being submissive is degrading but, we will get more into that in the following post..

What are your thoughts so far?

Is there anything that (after further research, if you are so inclined) you would be willing to readjust your views on?

An open mind can lead to a vast field of enlightenment...

A tiny peek inside: The B...in BDSM

So, I'm starting off my 'taboo' topics (not sure this is on the list but we'll go with it) with BDSM

Excited? Let's begin with examining the term...

The acronym BDSM is an overlapping acronym that usually stands for:

Bondage and Disapline (BD)
Dominance and Submission (DS)
Sadism and Masochism (SM)

Taking this in parts (to keep the posts short, yeah) so we'll look at just the B today.

When people hear the word bondage they either think slavery, kidnapping or depravity of some sort; 

in the BDSM world/scene, bondage (also termed licotage) is a consensual tying, binding or restraining of a partner for erotic, aesthetic or somatosensory stimulation (that is like a literal thing I found online, through GOOGLE)

So...now we have a slightly more informed view of what bondage means to BDSM enthusiasts...

What is curious, I'm sure, is:

Why would someone want to do that or have it done to them?

Well, there are, I recon, many answers to that question, none of which I can provide objectively...and why should I?

It is not my place here, to comment on the why of the process and involvement of BDSM but merely to try to bridge the subject to the less than inclined; it is easy to imagine someone is depraved because of their likes but can it not be a form of cathartic release for them?

Have you ever wondered and wanted to know more about BDSM?

An open mind can lead you to so many vast and interesting places and pursuits...

Let us try to look at BDSM objectively, sans judgement: lettuce be open to the concept (I really could not help that horrible leafy veggie pun there :P) and see where this may take us.

Carnival and Bacchanal...

It's Carnival time again in Trinidad and Tobago...(that sounds like the beginning of lyrics to something, smh) and once again I am at odds with the place...

Why? Simply because

I Don't like Carnival.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I am not a fan of soca music, mud, oil or 'pretty mas'; if I could leave the country at this time (really two weeks before until two weeks after) I would.

It just isn't 'in my veins'; I feel no 'vibes' of any kind except to cover my ears and close my eyes to everything until it's over.

A lot of people (practically everyone I say this to) ask me if I'm really from Trinidad...-_-

Yes I was born here and grew up here but I don't like carnival; never been to a fete, never played mas with Tribe or Yuma etc:

Yes, I once went into pos on carnival tuesday and I went to soca monarch semis on a date (...*shudder* Worst. Date. Ever.) but I did not enjoy myself; I felt no euphoria, I felt no elation seeing made up ladies in beads and feathers or guys in shorts (and thongs :/) I felt no surge of splendour at hearing soca music blaring in my ears...

I just don't ever feel carnival.

It is not a part of my genetic makeup; this is one of the things that always makes me feel like a complete orange sheep (orange because there are naturally black sheepies, but orange? nuh uh) because I cannot relate to anyone and have to literally force myself to partake.

On top of that, the kind of weirdo I apparently, my idea of mas is a masquerade: everyone dressed and wearing complementing or contrasting masks...:/

Talk about off :/

Sigh...

How do you spend this time, do you play mas and party non stop?

Or do you hide away until it's over like I do?

I really can't fit myself into the 'carnival baby' mold...it just isn't for me.