Au Revoir Mon Petites Vaches...

I love cows, I think they are cute beyond words and also scary :/
(I'm pretty proud of my French for being so rusty :D)

Right:

This being my last post, I thought I'd talk about (well it was suggested I talk about) this experience...

I won't deny that it was a task as it was not easy for me to write to be read, if you understand...

Yes, I have other blogs that I rant and rave on, but I'm not trying to engage anybody there, I'm just expressing whatever is on my mind; here though, this needed to be coherent and reaching as I needed to gain feedback to show progress :/

Tough.

Ultimately, I learned that most people respond to personal accounts of situations and things they could read some kind of palatable emotion from; my posts on struggling with being socially inept and the challenges of making and maintaining relationships got the most views and comments.

I've never been one to search out the spotlight- and my fiery (well, more like thermonuclear) temper makes that seem like a bunch of wilted cabbage-so actively asking and writing and reaching out to people...

Not fun.

Being the subject, the direct subject of people's criticism and scrutiny and having to defend myself and my ideas....

Aggravating; I especially hate dealing with those who think that my words are worthless because of my complexion or geographic location (hotspot babies, holla!!) or my educational background, appearance et al

VERY FOXING ANNOYING.

Still...

It was a valued learning curve, in the sense that, I know if I want to attract and keep people interested in my work, I have to write to them in a formally informal way: like I'm talking to a friend of mine after an argument, polite yet weary.

That is true to me alone, perhaps, but some may feel a sort of semblance...sometimes (alliteration *literature nerd* lol)

I thank you for reading
I thank you for responding
I thank you for coming, staying and embracing everything that I have shared;

Directly and indirectly,

And I hope to write to you all again,

Sometime, somewhere.

Among The Living...

Another taxi ride..

This one reminding me of why, it's sometimes okay to be among the living...in short bursts.

The driver, a young (looking) rasta woman, was extremely talkative; she had her associate in the front with her and another one joined us on the journey to Grand Curacaye.

The driver regaled us with a story of well, bacchanal, that she was at the centre of through no (supposed) fault of her own; the details themselves were entertaining, admittedly I was stifling laughter at her outrageous put downs and descriptions of the individuals involved (a couple, of course) but the real interest to me was her inability to stop recounting the incident.

The need to express, the drive, the intensity of it..it seemed to consume her, the insult she indicated at having felt, the audacity of the persons involved, and their idiocy at misreading her.

I usually (well always am, really) reading some pretty...out there things, some so ridiculous I laugh out loud at the crap people publish and make money off of..

That said, the story the rasta lady related if written and fleshed out would not be as successful as if it were embellished and exaggerated;

reality hardly sells without a dose of fiction added.

And fiction sells because no one wants to live vicariously through a normal person, in a normal situation..that's boring! lol smh

Tell me what stories you've heard on maxis or in taxis..?

Adding Insult to Injury: New Tattoos, Old Sentiments...

I love getting tattooed.

I get excited by the smell of the shop, the atmosphere, the illustrations;

It's like a drug: I only get high when I'm there and I can't bare to leave it once I'm done.

.....

Since my first one, my family has tried to dissuade me from getting more, even going so far as to tell me that I'd regret getting them;
When I got my first piercing, same, only the idea that I could take the rings out stopped the ranting and raving quicker.

Little did they know that I wouldn't remove one, if I didn't think it absolutely necessary (like my eyebrow and other lip piercing) especially spending thousands on them -_-

I love getting thins done;
They're mine, for me, my body's way of expressing itself without waking up next to some random guy and/or with a raging hangover...

Yes it hurts.
Yes I'm in discomfort for two weeks to a year (tattoo or piercing respectively).

But it's mine...
I chose it, paid for it, sat (or lay down) through it...

And I love it.

What do you love to do/have done?

Visions of sugar plums...and psychic readings...and assholes

Have you ever had someone look at you and immediately know everything about you, based solely on your complexion and appearance?

No? Yes?

I never knew there were so many psychics in the world!
And to think all this untapped potential is wasted by these Masters Of The Universe (He-Man fans??) on self-proclaimed-but-clearly-not-in-the-minds-of-the-psychics 'small fries' (well, more like a large portion but I digress) like me

Imagine, I am unable to have an intelligent conversation because I live in a 'hot spot'

AND 

I went to a government school  (yes, I have been told this)

How is it that a person can tell you that it's not where you come from but where you're going yet say that they're taking a 'friend' out to somewhere 'nice' because they're 'country' (ghetto in another conversation) as they went to a 'government school'??

Can you really trust that their sentiment does not apply to you also?

I think you'd be a fool not to..
Sigh, just sick of the stereotypes already..and super duper sick to MFing death 

of hypocrites.

I'm tired of being nice to people who wouldn't piss in a cup and give me to douse myself if I was on fire.

PMS and You: How To Deal With Males At Their Special Time (Mini-Rant)

Not everyone can spot the signs of PMS in themselves;

At that delicate time, males usually see everyone else as the problem/irritant...

Let me first list some of their symptoms:

~Intense asshole behaviour, usually sprouting out of innocent conversation

e.g. person: "Hey, how are you?"
       male: "OMG, could you stop annoying me?!"

~Finds a problem with everything and is incapable of having civil conversation

e.g. person: "I just wanted to know how...you're doing...what's wrong?"
       male: "What's wrong is you keep asking me shit, that's what..."

~Absolute inability to be humble, remorseful or apologise
~Becomes the victim of the situation when the situation was instigated by them

e.g. person: "Hey, so what was your day like? Do you want to go out with me?"
       male: "My day was shit, my life is a perpetual abyss of chaos and pain; if you cared about me, you would have known but all you ever think about is yourself..."
       person: "Uhm...when I asked..you wouldn't...sigh, what is bothering you?"
       male: "You really do as some stupid questions sometimes...I'm in a fucking bad mood, fuck off!! I don't know why you're talking to me, leave me alone!!!!"

~Condescending, cynical, sarcastic and terse
~Insulting
~Unable to handle your self defense/retaliative comments
~Etc.



***many variations exist of these scenarios***



I first encountered Male PMS with my past (as in not anymore) male best friend; he would behave so extreme so randomly then snap into a niceness I soon realized was fake...but I digress...

His PMS symptoms were actually mild compared to what I have experienced recently; from taking my questions as accusations to misreading thus misunderstanding my statements and overreacting...to being downright, plain out cold- you know when you tell someone your secrets and they use it against you? 

Prepare to face that shit (and worse) in PMSing males.

Really though, I know...I know females are disgusting but jeez, guys are just as bad...
I can't even venture who's worse because they'll both stab you in the back without fluttering an eyelash then smile at you the next morning...

...like it never even happened..

Do you know a guy who suffers from severe PMS??

You probably do, but never knew what to class it as...

Arm warmers, chains and chokers...

I watched a guy with hand warmers on the other day and wondered why he didn't wait until he got into the ac to wear them :/

It only struck me afterward  that my concern wasn't that he was wearing hand warmers in a country that hasn't seen snow since the world was covered in ice, it was because I felt hot and thought his hands must be warm af in that woolen accessory;

There's a girl I see sometimes who wears black, sometimes weird socks or leg warmers, hand warms too...this time he little skirt had chains- that made me smile.

There was a time I wouldn't go to the supermarket without chains, skull jewelry and some form of rock blasting in my ears (and the surrounding thanks to my shitty headphones lol); I graduated to my spiked collar and goth makeup around form five: I had found my calling!

I enjoyed and still enjoy the comfort of wearing spikes, chains and skulls/dragons, but I haven't done that since my last rock show, ages ago...

Have a 'grown up' and grown out of my goth 'phase'?

I honestly don't know..

Seeing these younglings with their little touches of temperate climate/culture makes me wonder: have I just been playing a role-the role of amped up outsider, goth chick-or was that...is that me?

Or was that me?

Do you have a teenage-into-young-adult part of you, whether it's clothes you used to wear, people you idolized or limed (hungout) with, animals you collected:

Is there something you used to do/believe in religiously that you have either stopped completely, barely make time for or even forgotten about?

I have a couple of leg warmers I'd love to put to use sometime...I just don't know if my reasons are the same as they were ten years ago...

From Then To Now: Physical Pursuits of a Bipolar Fatty...

Nice title right?? :D

So, years ago (about 6-7) I was at my peak in Martial Arts..

....yeah, hard to believe, uh?

I studied traditional Martial Arts (a way of life) as opposed to sport MA (a way of medals and trophies)

And I loved it.

At a point I could have spoken Japanese better than any Anime freak, through people thrice my size and do forms as gracefully as any seasoned dancer can Tango;

That was a long time ago (and many pounds less too :/)

Now it's all (mostly) fond memories of a time and place in my life that I cannot (well, I maybe could) revisit because with age has come so many more complications that the rigours of traditional Martial Arts...is too much...

***Note:

I studied traditional Karate, Jiu-Jitsu, Judo and Okinawan Kobudo at H.S.M.A

So

Last night I took a walk on the wild side...

I joined a MA class.

Not nearly as I had expected (even though I tried not to overestimate) but it was an experience..

Just watching the guy sweep out the dojo brought back fond memories of the half-assed job we sometimes did, the dirty feet and gis as a result and the punishment that followed lol but mostly...

It brought my teacher to mind and I felt like crying my eyes out at the loss (he died 6 years ago) and took my ability to train with him..

Sigh

This new class is like a new start, even though in a totally different field (sport MA as far as I know :/) and I will see it through to whatever end is lined up for it.

Is there something from your past that you gave up on, only to rekindle in an altered form?

If you haven't started, start now, and stop wasting time; I wasted many years silently mourning, now I'm going to mourn out loud (welllll, as loud as I can x_x) with a resounding

KI-AI!!

For my lost teacher, training...and self (ki/chi)

This would not have been the path he chose for or wanted for me, but it is the path that has presented itself; the one I believe will take me to the one meant for me.

Lecturers: Dream Killers In Disguise?

A time a back, I encountered a lecturer...
...like I never have before and do not EVER wish to meet again.

If they were the only person teaching the last course for me to graduate, I'd be in school for a very. Long. Time.

Let me be a tad more specific:

I have to do writing courses for my major and they taught it (alone at that time);
usually apprehensive of 'new lecturers' because you don't know their personality or their marking schemes, I was not impressed (to say the least) with all the bragging this one did as a bid to 'introduce' themself.

As the assignments began, the interaction seemed ok the first few classes, and of courses, the class became divided into loved and tolerated (guess what section I sat in :D);

***Pause

When we did things in class, you got some vague remarks from the lecturer and the other students also... 

When the projects for course grade started, the shit not only hit the fan, it became an entity all its own.

There was supposed to be in class critiques, where everyone read and commented on each other's work; that only happened for the loved side of the class and not even all of them as it would take a while to just read through the work (some of them really needed to pay attention in Comm 117, smh).

Not to mention, every time you asked them how you were doing, they would say 'great, good work' but you never saw any indication of that...

As for the grades and feedback from the lecturer: that did not happen until days after the deadline for grade submission and everyone got below average marks; the explanation was that they were using their former institutions grade scheme (lies) and then all they did was bump everyone up 10-20 points so I went from a C to a B (not impressed)

The feedback was the worst part of it all because they gave no tips for improvement, just bashed your work, dismissed your ideas and you did not actually have the chance to fix it (as they said would be afforded after it was graded, smfh) so you were, well I was left, feeling disillusioned.

I did not want to write anymore.

I felt like I had produced and would only produce shit, because this MFA in creative writing wielding banshee, did not give my work any real and proper feedback.

Sigh

It still grinds my gears up to this time and I am wearily approaching my next writing course;

My classmates and I have all made clear that we will not be taking classes with that lecturer again (and I think after an entire classes complain, someone should listen) so the 'more advanced' class is being done by other people (praise the Lord)

It was an experience I do not wish to repeat (but I did, smh, in another class *rolls eyes* though thankfully not as severe, I missed out on an A, again, by a few points >:<)

And I wonder, so you have any horror stories of lecturers?

This one killed my dreams for a time, honestly; I did not even open my story docs for months afterward and I couldn't do the scripts for my boss, I was in such a state, smh...

But, I decided that, I'm not going to let some post colonial reject dampen my spirit;

I know what I am meant to do: WRITE and I WILL do it and I WILL KICK ASS...

And take a few names ;P lol

Share your school or work or family or friend(s) dream killers with me..

Sell Out; The Dilemma With Work...

I feel like a sell out.

Just thinking about future actions is settling heavily on my soul;

What am I selling out for?

Money;
Possible popularity;
Probable sustainable income.

How?

By writing what I consider to be rubbish
And by cutting books short to stretch the sales

*cough*fiftyshadesofgrey*cough*

Sigh..

Being able to do something good enough and profiting from that talent isn't as easy as it should be; not when you consider yourself as simply a conveyor of the stories of whatever character pops into your mind, bringing their lives into a vivid movie reel of continuous information :/

BIG SIGH

I hate to sell out...but do I have a choice?

Of course I do...

Of course I have a choice, that's why I haven't done it yet (that and crippling self doubt, but more on that story later)

I don't want to, but I just may have to do it.

Have you ever been in such a place, with a job or situation?

Rant #2- Unappreciative People: Bosses, Lecturers, Friends and Strangers...

These are things that really grind my gears >:<

I hate rude people.

Stronger sentiment: I FUCKING HATE rude people.

Sigh, that's better :)

Now, I know everyone has bad days and everyone has problems that make Atlas look like a jellyfish

But

Don't take that shit out on me...don't.

If I had to use you like a punching bag for my problems (and certain people have accused me of this) your ass would be beaten down worse than those characters caught in King's holds (Tekken fans??)

Yes, when things are shit and you are prodding me in the correct way I respond scathingly: yes, it happens but not only and because it's you. 

It isn't specific to anyone person, it's like I ate bad doubles: any toilet singing to me will get a response.

I do not appreciate having to deal with, or rather, not be dealt with because of your assumptions of me

If you yourself weren't a jackass most of the time then I wouldn't respond to you like the anti-jackass whisperer; I always give back what I get (even what I think I get I give back lol smh)

SIGH

Can you imagine, the audacity of a vagrant...you already beg and got me to buy you the item, do you need to further ask what kind of item I got you?

Why are you slapping the gift horse in the mouth?
(if you think I'm splitting hairs here, you've clearly never had a vagrant make demands on you)

I'm going to not rant on lecturers right now, I don't want to curse any further >:<

Bosses!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, hmm...I don't even think I will get into that because then this post will be going on forever, haha (the chuckling is like Hannibal laughing uh)

Let me just put it all in one group as Aggravating Humans and leave it at that:

You ALL need to calm TF down. Seriously, take a sip of some herbal tea...

I don't know what kind of as...people you all deal with on the daily, but I am curious to know whether or not you experience 'people poking the bear for fun' (you being the bear) 

Or

Do YOU poke the bear?

I admit, I do poke the bear sometimes...in the eye...with a heated ice pick...
*shrug* mainly because the bear loves to bite into my ass on the regular...but I digress..

I really don't know why it's so hard for people to accept that I'm not their puppet (more on that story later) but then

People hardly ever accept or understand my particular brand...of madness.

LGBT, Labels And Other Thoughts...

You must be thinking: what does she know about this?

Well, what I'm going to talk about isn't breaking down the letters and explaining them, it's the social aspects and interactions of people, LGBT, in between, outside, inside and over yonder...

I don't know anything really, I believe that people should embrace and engage in everything that makes them happy; now, don't get me wrong: if you are mentally ill and enjoy harming people or animals, I'm not supporting that no way, no how.

I am referring to 'well balanced', run of the mill, everyday people (is that a song title/lyric??)

I am referring to anyone who is or is not, and not to anyone specifically...

You maybe a little confused: you may have thought I was going on to heavily promote or campaign for LGBT or against it..but I'm not going to.

For me, to label someone as LGBT is just that, labeling them; it's another form of stereotyping: another way to point/make someone stand out

To take them away from 'the group'.

And that isn't what I want, need or feel like doing.

I think that, or like to think really, that it would be easier (on everyone) if we all just saw each other as human and stop right there.

Pause**

What do I mean??

Well, why do we need to label someone as LGBT then become activist for their rights and all of that? 

Why do we need to label black people as minority and then they have to fight to be taken seriously?

Why label someone as disabled (I love that it is now differently abled btw) then treat them like they'll break if they sneeze?

And for every other supposedly non regular human, why the separation then pseudo reintegration into 'society' or whatever?

If we could all just stay human we wouldn't need all this hullabaloo, now would we?

Humans are always looking for ways to ostracize others for some kind of selfish, stupid purpose (like fame, money, recognition and ass...and silly things like that) 

And really, what is so different between an LGBT teacher and a 'straight' one, or a differently abeld one??

Will you not be able to learn from them because you aren't exactly like them in every possible way?

And, before you start quoting scripture, I dare say that the scripture says 'in His own likeness' so everyone on this planet...

Should be seen as one.

Think about it; have a drink of water, stretch your neck, go for a drive, whatever.

The world will keep moving and changing and maybe..maybe people can just be people sans(without) all the labels..

Let's go naked..

"I like to walk naked, naked I like to walk" (this old Ataklan song came to mind)

Socially Unacceptable And Giving In...

It gets tiring.

The always trying to remember what's current;
The always trying to appear smart and funny with a hint of wildness;
The always being anxious;
The dealing with people that you don't really like;
The doing things just to fit in;

To be normal;

To be accepted.

Why the hell should I keep doing that?

Sigh

I'm getting older (surprising, I know)

And more tired and fed up with situations and persons and life...

It's the same old hum-drum and why should it be?

If everyone does and likes and says and wears and looks the same, thinks the same..

Where is the individuality?
The Uniqueness?

I'm tired of being what you want me to be;
I want to just be:

ME

For better (or worse, it feels) I was meant to be who I am,
Like my likes,
Dislike my dislikes,
And be the obnoxious, overbearing, disgusting, selfish, wild, uncaring, eccentric, high strung, dark skinned, nappy haired, over weight, tattooed, pierced (and whatever else) weirdo

That I am.

I am me:
Socially unacceptable, awkward and struggling.

And I'm going to be me until I'm nothing but dust in the wind.

It's easier to be you, than to remember to be the you everyone wants you to be...

My take on the ever popular topic of Religion...

I originally had a disclaimer here but I decided to just go forth unto the breech...

So, let's dig in.

I started out my life in my mother's religion: Anglican (English Catholic/Protestant) for many Sundays, I would be got up and carted off to church to hear Father Brown talk about (it seemed to me) the same things over and over again :/

Later, when it became Father West, my joy in going became his singing of a particular hymn, mainly because he can't sing too well *chuckle*

I stopped going regularly to church sometime around maybe form 1 or so, I don't remember, but I would maybe go a Christmas or New Years mass once in a while; religion lost it's appeal.

Going into secondary school, I became acquainted with persons of varying religious beliefs (previously unnoticed because my primary school was Roman Catholic) and further still when I attended a Hindu school to study A levels later on.

I learned a lot more about Hinduism at that school and also, because I was studying Martial Arts at that time, I learned about Buddhism.

Something my past principal said, a Pundit, was that it is one God in different forms and that Hindus referred to him as Shiva

I was astonished that someone else thought similarly to me and I didn't feel as weird about being interested in other religions, so I embraced as many as I could and learned as much as I could remember.

(side note: one of my hobbies is exploring different cultures)

In recent years, I've acquired some tattoos that literally make people balk if they see them: I have some Arabic on my ankle, an Ohm on a lotus by my clavicle, I have a regular cross on my wrist and I plan on doing some Kanji of some Buddhist teachings at some point.

(not a religion but I have the Chinese astrology symbol for rabbit also :D)

My beliefs as they were are universal: I believe that there is one God who appeared differently to different people so as not to frighten them; people are scared of what they don't know and they get angry fairly quickly afterwards so why not appear as someone who they could relate to physically?

I know, I know blasphemous...

But am I really? Is anyone who thinks like that a heathen?

It would be great, I think, if people stopped putting words into God's mouth and simply observed his actions; then maybe life would be a little smoother, for everyone...

A final peek inside: The M...in BDSM and closing arguments...

The end is nigh....well, it's M actually

M in BDSM, relates to the lovely S and refers to Masochism as in sadomasochism.

Masochism is the need or want to receive pain/humiliation for sexual gratification, pleasure etc; a masochist willingly receives and responds to the pain a sadist needs/wants to give.

Pretty heavy stuff, yeah?

Think about it in a visceral way, using something you like to do or have done; there really isn't much difference in the end result: happiness, pleasure, fulfillment.

BDSM is a really dense topic and I only barely scratched the surface of it, wanting merely to introduce the topic to the less inclined and encourage a more open thinking of this Taboo topic.

Personally, when I first heard about it I though that everyone who did it wore leather all the time, then when I started wearing spiked collars and people asked me and whatever friend I was with (female friend mind you) if we shared the 'lix' (spankings) I thought that plus leather; only in recent times I understood (somewhat) what it really entails and is mainly about: 

I think the term I hear is 'alternative lifestyle' ? Mmmmm, I'd say a different way of doing normal.

You don't have to lead a strictly Vanilla (a term used to mean plain in BDSM) life; varying studies alone can add flavours to your mind otherwise missed.

Take a small scoop of pistachio for a change and it may lead you to discovering what the world has to offer... 

A tiny peek inside: The S...in BDSM

Alright so the S, we're making progress on these tidbits :)

In BDSM, S has two meanings (like the D):

Submission when relating to the D that is Domination and
Sadism when relating to the M (sadomasochism)

Submission is another sore point for some, as people think it means some seriously demeaning behaviour on both partner's account; actually (I use that word loosely as I cannot speak for anyone who practices BDSM) it shows a great deal of trust for someone to willingly allow another person to practically decide when and if they can have an orgasm, what they wear and how they address and are addressed.

The Submissive has all the power- keep that in mind.

Sadism usually refers to the act of inflicting pain or humiliation to achieve pleasure- a sadist is someone who enjoys giving pain.
In BDSM the term pain is relative as, everything is consensual and thoroughly discussed, with parameters set before anything happens; with sadomasochism, the giving and receiving of pain for sexual gratification is often not specific to either party as both usually see themselves as

SWITCH i.e. willing to take on either role in the relationship (a common idea among many BDSM enthusiasts, it seems).

Now I can more than guess that this and the following short post on M really gets some peoples' knickers in a pirouette, along with the entire concept of BDSM...

But I will save my final thoughts for later; for now, do share yours on these so far...? 

A tiny peek inside: The D...in BDSM

Everyone is interested in The D (inferences subject to individual preference :D)

This D has two meanings in BDSM:

-Discipline 
-Dominance

The Discipline is related to the B i.e. Bondage while the Dominance relates to the S- Submission...though I'm sure they can all be imaginatively incorporated.

Discipline is self explanatory: the bound individual is disciplined for some infraction (punishment) or for doing something well (pleasure)..

As someone mentioned the accursed 'Fifty Shades of Grey' I will paraphrase from there:

"The is a very fine line between pleasure and pain that can be easily traversed..."

Yeah? Alright...

Dominance is where people start feeling a bit iffy; it is also self explanatory: one partner is in charge of the relationship, making all the decisions and meting out all the...discipline to the submissive partner.
Some may think being submissive is degrading but, we will get more into that in the following post..

What are your thoughts so far?

Is there anything that (after further research, if you are so inclined) you would be willing to readjust your views on?

An open mind can lead to a vast field of enlightenment...

A tiny peek inside: The B...in BDSM

So, I'm starting off my 'taboo' topics (not sure this is on the list but we'll go with it) with BDSM

Excited? Let's begin with examining the term...

The acronym BDSM is an overlapping acronym that usually stands for:

Bondage and Disapline (BD)
Dominance and Submission (DS)
Sadism and Masochism (SM)

Taking this in parts (to keep the posts short, yeah) so we'll look at just the B today.

When people hear the word bondage they either think slavery, kidnapping or depravity of some sort; 

in the BDSM world/scene, bondage (also termed licotage) is a consensual tying, binding or restraining of a partner for erotic, aesthetic or somatosensory stimulation (that is like a literal thing I found online, through GOOGLE)

So...now we have a slightly more informed view of what bondage means to BDSM enthusiasts...

What is curious, I'm sure, is:

Why would someone want to do that or have it done to them?

Well, there are, I recon, many answers to that question, none of which I can provide objectively...and why should I?

It is not my place here, to comment on the why of the process and involvement of BDSM but merely to try to bridge the subject to the less than inclined; it is easy to imagine someone is depraved because of their likes but can it not be a form of cathartic release for them?

Have you ever wondered and wanted to know more about BDSM?

An open mind can lead you to so many vast and interesting places and pursuits...

Let us try to look at BDSM objectively, sans judgement: lettuce be open to the concept (I really could not help that horrible leafy veggie pun there :P) and see where this may take us.

Carnival and Bacchanal...

It's Carnival time again in Trinidad and Tobago...(that sounds like the beginning of lyrics to something, smh) and once again I am at odds with the place...

Why? Simply because

I Don't like Carnival.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I am not a fan of soca music, mud, oil or 'pretty mas'; if I could leave the country at this time (really two weeks before until two weeks after) I would.

It just isn't 'in my veins'; I feel no 'vibes' of any kind except to cover my ears and close my eyes to everything until it's over.

A lot of people (practically everyone I say this to) ask me if I'm really from Trinidad...-_-

Yes I was born here and grew up here but I don't like carnival; never been to a fete, never played mas with Tribe or Yuma etc:

Yes, I once went into pos on carnival tuesday and I went to soca monarch semis on a date (...*shudder* Worst. Date. Ever.) but I did not enjoy myself; I felt no euphoria, I felt no elation seeing made up ladies in beads and feathers or guys in shorts (and thongs :/) I felt no surge of splendour at hearing soca music blaring in my ears...

I just don't ever feel carnival.

It is not a part of my genetic makeup; this is one of the things that always makes me feel like a complete orange sheep (orange because there are naturally black sheepies, but orange? nuh uh) because I cannot relate to anyone and have to literally force myself to partake.

On top of that, the kind of weirdo I apparently, my idea of mas is a masquerade: everyone dressed and wearing complementing or contrasting masks...:/

Talk about off :/

Sigh...

How do you spend this time, do you play mas and party non stop?

Or do you hide away until it's over like I do?

I really can't fit myself into the 'carnival baby' mold...it just isn't for me.

Friends, Friends and Friends....

One of the hardest things ever is to make new friends, especially after losing friendships to betrayals of some kind.

I am introverted which unfortunately means I cannot make friends easily;
and not for want of trying :/

There is this girl I know, in my mind we're friends and she speaks to me nicely so I believe she thinks the same way but when it comes to me trying to act on the friendship- I fail.

Sigh

I suffer from random bouts of intense introversion that leave me socially paralyzed when in the presence of persons whom I hold in high esteem; sucks right?

Oh, to send a text is a long back and forth mentally of approximating and estimating their response to my message, even when it's just a 'hey, what's up' :/

Talk about over-analysis, smh

I do wish I could get over the fear of her saying 'you're a complete nutcase' and talk with her more, but I also feel like there is hardly anything I can say that she won't think I'm a complete dolt or crack whore :/

Do you ever feel unsure of your social interactive capabilities?

I know for me it's an internal malfunction of mine but gosh, do I wish I could fix it!
I miss out on so many things by not being able to say hello to someone new or to properly interact with someone I've known for a while...

I wish there was an easy fix to social awkwardness syndrome...

Dreams vs Reality: Dream Jobs vs To Live Jobs..

Everyone has a dream job, whether it's to be a vet, doctor, lawyer, officer of some type, fisherman, trainer of animals or humans, animator, illustrator, pie seller...

Whatever it is, everyone has one...mine, well..

It took me a few years to figure out what I'm good at and now that the glaringly obvious is...finally apparent to me, I'm sticking to it like pone on plastic wrap (I hate pone btw)

My dream job is to become a phlebotomist.

*chuckles* alright so I heard that last night on the voice (I don't particularly like that show, but those judges were funny fighting over people lol)

Seriously though, I would like to be a *insert drumroll here*

Writer.

Yeah, really exciting I know...

But what's actually exciting is not getting any jobs in that area :/

Nada, zip, zilch, zero...minus nothing.

I do see positions, but like everything else, they want 50 years experience (how can I get experience if YOU DON'T HIRE ME, smh) so it's a big flop every time and I am stubborn.

I don't want to do something else to make money to do what I want to do, I want to do what I LOVE doing!

Why should I go and spend years (already wasted about four doing this, uh, steups) doing courses in things I only like to get a job that will only pay me two cents more than what's enough for a roti and a red solo five days a week???

I don't want to do that anymore, so I stopped and started studying something that will and has improved my writing (about now ya'll are like 'huh?' lol I'm referring to short stories and things like that :P) and I am enjoying my studying (don't ever try to quote me on that, I WILL deny it)

It's too bad though, that even though I'll have a certificate that says I can, I still won't be able to :/

I've heard of starving artists, writers outside of writerdom starve too..

What are your dream jobs? Anything out of the ordinary, like a large mammal vet? Or an astronaut? What dreams have you given up in the name of money and acceptance?

Unrelated Post #2- Some of my 'artwork...

These are some of the drawings I've done over the years; the older ones:

 

And a few more recent ones:

I don't draw often, but when I do, it's mostly red clothing (the Autobot drawing is Optimus Prime inspired because I love him to pieces lol) and the hands are weird lol etc etc

(all images are my own, done by me and may not be used without my express permission)

(yes I know they aren't perfect, but they're mine :P)

Always room for improvement and I know I need at least a couple of fields length of fixing and bettering and all that on them and for future work; I have come a long way with some things but not enough with others and I intend to improve them as best I can.

Perfection isn't may aim anymore, I just want to do the best I can..

Trapped Within Yourself..

Have you ever been among people but felt alone?

Isolated?

Afraid, not of any harm, but of interaction?

It is distressing...it feels like you are trapped in quicksand:
sinking slowly to the bottom of your conscious or subconscious mind...

How do you get past the fear?
How do you find the courage to face...yourself?
To speak and be heard?

How do you be someone to others?

How do you be you?

It may seem like a simple thing, but the answer? The answer is a complex web of self consciousness, self esteem and depression, improper fundamental socialization and purported introversion...

Can you step outside yourself?


I wish I could...it gets better sometimes, but other times...

Like now...

...it is really hard...and very frightening...